I had a recent conversation that revolved around the question “why are you single?”
For much of my life single and undesirable went hand in hand
Simply put my long time thought process; you are single because you are undesired
That being said for much of my life being single was a painful embarrassment for me who grew up being described as such a great guy. Further magnifying the shame and embarrassment because I couldn’t understand why I was single either. I thought because they said, “You seem so much happier when you are in a relationship” that I would be better off in an relationship than single. They would tell me all of these “great things about me” but I never knew what it was they saw. I just blindly had faith in their words of encouragement, and support.
Though this time instead of my thoughts falling to pieces; they actually fell into place and I laughed.
My single status is not a curse, an indicator of my potential as a mate, my attractiveness, or any other negative connotations. I realize that what I need is more time for myself. Not because I’m so broken or lost, but because I deserve my attention. This is my life and it’s my decision to make the best of it for myself. Even if “They” never said to me, “You will never be fully content in any relationship until you cultivate a relationship with yourself”.
My single status is a great gift something God gave to me personally, and honestly it’s a gift within a gift. Because the bearer of my gift carried a secret that has become a light unto my path. I will no longer search in vain, having to wonder what it feels like, or guess at it in hopes of getting it right for I know the truth of what it is.
These are new thoughts and words that come from me, because I have gone from thinking that I lost the world to discovering myself and the greatness that I add to the world. The child who was once was afraid of the dark has grown into the man who found himself in the darkness; for alone in the darkness of one’s own self will one find them-self. I have opened my eyes to the darkness, and within that darkness I will find a soft glow of light. Like finding a diamond among a piece of coal meaning that within this dark there is a diamond for me to find. Although it’s rarity does increase the value, my value remains in the darkness that lead me to the light. I seek the light not to save me from the darkness, but to share my darkness with the light.