I used to believe this was the biggest load of… $#!+ something people would say when that didn’t know what else to say, but I have come to realize that these are some of the strongest words you can say.
I recieved these words with a blank expression, and fluent stream of unspoken obscenities. I could not comprehend how this was my reality, like what’s really going on. I thought I did everything right, so why would God tease me like this. I know it’s you, I know like a returning memory of something long forgotten that you always knew was there. Yet now I’m hearing, “if it’s meant to be it will be.”. What did I do wrong, Why, How the hell? Question after question, and all with no answer. Just a silent I’m sorry, so now the pity party.
All alone I sit and wonder. How did everything end up like this. As I began to spiral through the Stages of Grief; there was something different I was aware.
Denial: I can’t believe this is happening it can’t be real. I didn’t do anything wrong, she’s just upset, and needs sometime to calm down. It’s not going to end.
Anger: how can you just walk away?!! All of a sudden you’re just going to leave like it’s nothing!!!
Bargaining: I’ll do anything can’t we compromise, or just sit and talk?
Depression: I’m a failure, because I couldn’t figure it out. I deserve to be single and unwanted
Acceptance: This is where life took a turn
As I stated earlier, “I was aware” this wasn’t just some torent of emotions about a relationship. It became a introspective look at myself.
Denial: why are you trying to be some one’s everything just to feel like something? Are you living your life, or trying to live through someone else’s?
Anger: that’s not true, because I live my own life!! Don’t say things like that, this is my life dammit!!
Bargaining: please make it stop, I don’t want to feel like this. I just want to move past this as fast as I can.
Depression: I just feel so lost. It never works out for me, somebody help get this weight off of me!!
Revival: Rebirth through belief in self on my 33rd birthday I engraved the symbolic representation of this on my skin. Though apparently it took two years to reach my conscious. I realized that I was denying myself a life that I would love. I was angry with myself because I didn’t not believe in myself. I bargained with myself just to have a life that I could easily hide from. I was depressed because I wasn’t living.
It wasn’t the ending of the relationship that bothered me, but the relationship I was denying with myself. A respected friend and mentor told me, “When opportunity presents itself, it’s too late to prepare”. You don’t prepare for relationships once you’re in them because then it is too late. I am aware of my life, the role I play in it, and these are truly my moments to live. If it’s meant to be are words of strength left to encourage me by someone who loves me, and wants me to believe in my life. With my life I will honor these words, and I will live for me believing in the preparation life is granting me.
Why should I worry over what’s meant to be, because no matter what if it’s meant to be it will be.