I Need…

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For me the hardest conversations start with me stating, “I need”. Because to admit there is something that I can’t handle feels as a mark of shame, not one of boldness. It also means that you have to confess a “need” a specific clearly detailed need. This can be quite straight forward in some cases, like needing to borrow money, needing a ride, etc. Though what about the needs that aren’t so clearly defined. What do you need from life, from your relationships (spouse, significant other, family, friends…) do you know because for much of my life I haven’t. Before I delve deeper, let’s discuss needs and wants quickly.

Needs:
Things essential for your life
Wants
Nonessential desires for your life

I’m really skilled at describing things I want it’s amazing. I can write a very long descriptive text stating all my wants, but if you were to ask me what I need. Instant writers block! Need hmm…what is it that I need. You’d probably hear me say or have heard me say, “nothing I’m good, I don’t need anything”

I want what I need, and I don’t necessarily need what I want. How long have I been a juggler constantly trying to walk around juggling the feelings of others afraid to drop a ball? Afraid to mishandle someone else’s view of me, but in truth I’m an awful juggler. I’ve grown afraid of being bad at what I was never meant to be. Forcing myself to handle what was never to be managed by me, and afraid to let go because I wanted to be the best juggler. All because I was more afraid of being the man I need to be, and settled on becoming the man I thought others wanted me to be. I am becoming aware of my needs, and it’s time to put the feelings of others down.

I want to remember who I am, and not who I grew to believe I was. One that was composed of the opinions of others, and diluted self beliefs. Just like hand me down clothes they fit, but they weren’t tailored for me. Buried under the layers of opinions, and thoughts for years, and all while trying to fit within the confines of others thoughts. Looking in the mirror trying to see the me behind it all. I can see how the thoughts of others became my addiction, and how my codependency was so deep seeded. My faults, and failures made me feel as if I was letting down all those opinions that I valued as my own. How could I stand to fail all of those that believed in me, and saw the me I wish I could see? Dressed as the thoughts of others, one could only imagine the process of undressing. The fear, anxiety, and lastly excitement of discovery. Soon I will be able to see myself as I am underneath it all, that is where I will find me. Molting beyond this false shell of security exposing myself to the world, and in the process feeling life touch me. I take extra measure during this time to remain distant. Is this what was underneath it all, and how do I begin to forgive myself for what I have done to me. Working backwards in order to move forward tracing the steps to the beginning and working my way forward as I see the life I lived hidden from it all. For now I live life on my own, no longer wearing a patch work coat of the opinions of others design. No more looking for myself in the story of others waiting to hear how I added to the story, because I was afraid to use my pen.  Now allow me to introduce myself to myself.

If I wrote a song it would be,

I love you as you have forgotten how, and underneath it all. Is the best of you, and that’s the you I love the most. Because you’re the best when you are undressed, and there is nothing to stop me from loving you.  I will love all of you as you have forgotten how, now undress for me. I will love you as you have forgotten how, now undress for me. Remember the love you’ve long forgotten how to feel as I love you. This is how it feels to love you, and how you should feel love let nothing stand between you and me. Your love is the only love that matters no love for you can be greater than the love I have for you

Love truly holds the power to shape our reality

Love has shaped my smile one that I can appreciate for myself, at one point I hated the failure of my relationships until I began to love the way I had long forgotten. Love is energy it has presence that can be felt, and the energy of that love was unlike any other I had felt before.

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