I wanted to believe in me the way they believe in me. I sought my answers in their eyes, words, and actions. I based my opinion of self solely on the fragile incomplete assumptions, and glimpses into my life others gave me. Afraid to look for myself, so I relied on the vision of strangers to piece together my perception of me, believing I was “Just Jarvis” a lot of things though none of them special to me. How could I believe in myself when it is solely based on the opinions of everyone except me? Tell me why I am special, please fill me with your opinions, and allow me to feel as if I matter to anyone. I need a reason to continue, to matter, to believe this life is worth living anymore, so tell me more why I matter? I at one point would have given my life for these words, and openly wanted to stop breathing than to be unloved.
Though by some miracle I survived, and here I remain. Done with the search for validation, and even though I still search. I search within the darkness of my own heart to find the truth of what I believe. I find myself at this very moment frustrated, becoming impatient with myself, and having to begin to clean the crystal. Pondering if I am actually doing what needs to be done, and just as the young Alchemist I read of I question this journey of exploration. It took a lot to get here, and it will take more just to move forward. I must allow myself to pour my soul into this moment. Here I am, feeling my way in the darkness feeling something not knowing what. Though what I am not experiencing is loneliness. What I feel is a genuine desire to discover myself on the other side of what I feel right now. I feel buried, I want to panic, retreat, but I keep inching forward. I spent some time looking at the wall in front of me, and believing at times it would be better to just take a loss and turn around. I make progress so slowly it feels as if I am moving backwards. Questions echo within my mind taunting me, reminding me of what was, and how it return to what was. I must continue you forward, because I must discover the me that lives in darkness.
The pieces of me I discovered were all of me, but were not all that I am. Some fit, and some had to be removed. Which taught me that I am capable of change, and that allows me to be flexible in my growth. Further discovering that the biggest pieces of me are hidden within the darkest places. This time as the darkness calls me. I will boldly search for me within the unknown opportunity it provides. Darkness is misunderstood, because we feel it robs us of the light when in reality it shows us the best things in life aren’t just meant to be seen, but they are meant to be felt. I feel it the me that I once left to be captive of my darkness. Though I now can close my eyes, and in the darkness I feel me. The me that once only desired to be felt, but I blindly tried to find you in the light. The best of me is to be felt just as these words come from the ether, and find their way to this present medium. Unless expressed they remain in darkness, but even so they exist.